Relationships
June 15, 2023
I think being single has been good for me. Throughout my life, yes, but specifically for this past year ish. It’s been a lot. And the possibility that I could be emotionally dependent on someone more than God if I wasn’t truly grounded is a little terrifying, especially because I have seen what the outcome of that is, and most of the time, it’s a subconscious over-dependence. We all like to say that we’re independent, we don’t care, we’re doing things for ourselves, but innately, we do care. There is a level of dependence. But who am I most dependent on?
I believe that currently, I am in a very self-aware space. And I’ve prayed for that. Not specifically, but that the Lord would open my mind with discernment and clarity in life. That He would take away the desires of my heart if they are ultimately leading me away from what He wants for me. And I guess he wants me to be really aware of where I play a role in the idea of relationships, currently and in the past, of my life.
For the person I want to be with, I want them to make it so unbelievably clear that they want to be with me. And I think that I have become aware, through both direct and vicarious experiences, of communication from the other half and what it could mean. Hesitancy is a no. Maybe later is a no. Anything but a, I want to fully pursue you because you are a prize to be won, is a no. Thoughts/ideas from others that I have learned over time. The whole, never settle, true. I won’t. And I’m not one for hookup culture. A lot of people are, no judgment on them. Simply not how I want to live my life. If I, ultimately, want to be married in a God-centered relationship that is life-giving, why would I spend time in things, situations, thoughts, that I have even the slightest feeling that it could be anything less than what God has promised for me?
I’d like to think that if I was in a relationship, I’d be ready for it. I love love. I love loving people and spending time with them. I love quality time, physical touch, comforting, being comforted. So, the thought of investing all of that into one additional person in terms of a relationship fills my heart with joy. And I have believed in a plethora of times in my life that I have been ready for it!! I have put God first, I love Him, and I love to love. And, shoot, I’d be great in a relationship. Loyal, supportive, and understand a busy schedule. Not dependent on the person, but independently dependent on God, bringing me and my hypothetical significant other closer to God. The relationship triangle. I would communicate well, and be clear, because kind is clear (and beating around the bush to simply try and be nice gets you nowhere and almost every time makes something worse, or is just poorly communicated).
But who am I to say that? Who am I to say that I’m ready? My gaze and thoughts shouldn’t come from myself, but they should be filtered by God, the one who knows the ultimate best path for my life.
There was a time a couple months ago where I was quite the opposite. I have always been a romantic, but there was something in my heart and mind that was, almost, repelled in a way, from a relationship. The idea of it, the idea of being pursued and investing in a hypothetical relationship, was at the bottom of my list. Family, school, sport, family, family, family, friends, business ideas, life goals, family, … relationship. Haha, maybe extreme, but you get the idea. But, about a month ago, I returned to the idea that a relationship would be nice. A double-sided one, of course. A healthy relationship, a God-centered relationship, one that the Lord has promised me and has shown me glimpses of… yeah, that would be nice. So I started thinking about that again.
BUT, importantly, and still now, it’s not, Do I think I’m ready? It’s, Lord, hide my heart and draw me to You. Hide my heart and protect it until I, myself, and the significant other you have for me, are ready. Draw me to desire You. Draw Him to desire You. I will be with whoever you want me to be with and do whatever you want me to do, but make it so abundantly clear that there is no doubt in my mind. Prepare me to be bold and disciplined in following you and being obedient on your calls of direction for my life. And do the same for my future husband. My future best friend. My future partner in raising kids, taking care of finances, building a life… all of the beautiful things we include in the life here on Earth. And I pray that you light the fire in my soul to spread your word, and you do the same for my future husband. Right now, work in us, so that we may be prepared to fully love one another because we fully love you first and foremost. (And you love us before and above all of this)
Plus some, probably.
And obviously ultimately, I want a person. To lead me, to love me, to challenge me. But I’m in no rush. I’ve got my whole life.
