An Archive of Feelings
June 11, 2023
I wish I had it figured out. It would be great if the feeling of being overwhelemed wasn't on a loop. If it was a one-time-to-experience what it was like to be overwhelmed and then boom! You know how terrible it is. All good. Move on. No more factors of stress. Thinking about the fact that Overwhelmed lives on a loop in my brain, in my life, is beyond frustrating. Ugh! It's angering. It brings a stream of tears down my face.
All while right in front of me, the joyous Baxter is waiting for me to throw him his ball.
Thrown. He is so excited. I wonder if he can sense how upset I am. Maybe he's trying to distract. Maybe he just wants to play and doesnt really care. No, he's too smart for that. Smart enough to know that the location of his ball hours ago by my mom was in the sink. So probably smart enough that I am upset. I don't know.
Ugh!!! I wish I wouldn't be giving in to Overwhelmed. Life is big. Eternity is bigger. People are frustrating. I like Routine too much. And when Routine doesn't work out with me, Overwhlemed comes in.
Ball thrown once more. Maybe three times more by now, I am not keeping track of how many times Baxter squishes his toy ball underneath my feet or next to me on the couch to be thrown. He is so Joyous.
And so am I!!! Most of the time. That is where my heart's posture is normally set. But, currently, not.
Thrown again. Deep breath. Still sad.
Why do I like and pursue Routine so much?! Is it to distract from Chaos? Probably partially at least.
Thrown once more.
I overestimate myself regarding the whole, don't be overwhelmed!! Should be easy enough right?? “Should”… interesting phrase that probably shouldn't be said. It's not.
Mom's here now. May continue writing later.
Ultimately, God, I know you do not accompany Overwhelmed, nor Sorrow, nor Anger. No, these are accompanied by Satan. But you, Lord, accompany and nourish Joy, Excitement, Love, Comfort, all of the things I need. Fill me with those!!! Satan get out of here!!! You have no place, no right, to be here. I will not allow it.
God, thank you. Thank you for peace, comfort, joy.
