Gardenias
May 23, 2024
Well would you look at that, a garden of gardenias. Never before seen on my walk through the neighborhood. I enter.
The aroma, sweet and fresh, bringing me to the presence of my childhood home, where the sides of the front porch stairs were clustered with the cream flower for a warm welcome to all.
Home, what a nice feeling to remember… distant, but there.
Today, I feel my broken heart more than I have in the recent days. It feels much heavier, tugging at my thoughts, making my brain scramble. School and sport and life in the busy season that I love so dearly has been subconsciously used to postpone processing. I feel that now. Not hitting me as hard as past breaks have, thankfully, but still here, nonetheless. The time has come where I’ve had much more time on my hands, and my thoughts and feelings and emotions finally catch up to what I have experienced over the season that has passed. What a frustrating thing, that I feel as though I am catching up. It’s like experiencing the difficult twice, but this time it feels a lot heavier, and slightly confusing, as the physical experience is absent, but my emotional reaction is so very present.
Lord, you are near to the broken-hearted, and my heart is broken. So, you are near to me, and I thank you for the comfort. Thank you for being near to those who share in the broken-heartedness, in one way or another. You love them so much. You are so close. I pray a blanket of peace and wrapped arms of comfort for them now. Thank you.
I sit on a bench in the garden of gardenias, sitting still, my soul refreshed, God speaking to me, reminding me of His sweet creation. Reminding me that I am a part of the sweet creation. Myself, a daughter of Christ, my trials, a vessel for the molding to happen. Being broken to be built.
I look down. Ants. All over. Walking in their little lines, creating a uniformity about themselves and in the process of whatever they are doing. Ants. Reminds me of my inquiry earlier in the week of if ants grieve, if they go through life in a similar way we do as humans. A silly little wonder and scenario, but it leads me to the following appreciation, which I believe could be worth something.
It leads me to be thankful that I am so complex in creation, that I feel complex feelings, I think complex thoughts. God, you care enough about me to give me the choice in this life to live it with you, with the thoughts and feelings and experiences I have, choosing you, clinging to you and your promises. There is beauty in the tiny little ants I see, in the flowers I’m surrounded by, in the way they work, but there is a deeper level of beauty in the complexities of life you gift me and the rest of humanity.
My friend, Sammie, oh how I love her and cherish our friendship, she sent me this quote this past week, from a random Instagram reel. One of many encouragements. I believe it planted the seed for my prior thoughts and perspective and appreciation for where I am, so I will share:
“This side of eternity is our only chance to worship Jesus through tears, pain, & suffering.
This side of eternity is our only chance to actively choose to worship Jesus.
In heaven, we will have all tears wiped away, & we will freely see the beauty of Jesus, so we will naturally worship Him.
What a gift it is to be able to choose Jesus even when all we can feel is pain.”
God, I choose you. I trust you. With my whole life. You have it all cradled in your hands.
I thank you for the gardenias.
